Fox News to Hire Fat and Ugly Women, O'Reilly Undergoing Hormone Treatments

The Five

In an announcement that shocked even the last reader of Victoria’s Secret catalogs alive, Brian Kilmeade, Fox News announced that it is going to do a booty-reset, which entails the hiring of on-air personnel, particularly female ones, that are fat and ugly.

“We are undergoing a paradigm shift,” a masked and invisible spokes-entity for Fox News said, “call it a Fox News Alert, if you wish, as we realize the transmogrification of what people watch on television is of the utmost importance as far as integrity is concerned.”

“We want to be the Biggest Loser in a positive way. We also want to level the playing field, which means that Bill O’Reilly currently has begun a hormonal treatment process that will lop off four feet of his frame.”

When asked which four feet of Mr. O’Reilly were up for shrinkage, the spokes-entity declined further comment, saying only that even anonymous speech has its price. Greg Gutman, the bespectacled provocateur of The Five who looks like a combination of Peter Rabbit and Mr. McGregor, said that he wishes he could be the one to now udder there will be no more boobs in the studio.

Rumor has it a number of female on-air talent at CNN have already been approached by Fox News to straddle broadcast stools. One thought is that valuable camera time will be shortened by the compact packaging made possible by CNN talent that now will be fleeing from CNN as if they were Iraqi military.

In a completely non-biased spin-around, however, Fox News will now train its cameras on the male on-air talent legs, and is even considering becoming a trendsetter in having its male anchors wear Lederhosen a la Glenn Beck.

The question remains what to do with any number of beautiful and sexy Fox News personnel now that Fox is becoming UGLY. An exodus of biblical proportions is expected to MSNBC, which now will finally offer some real Hardball, at least among male viewership, which is expected to rise.

As if this Fox News announcement were not all the excitement a news hungry public could stand, TMZ announced that it is being absorbed by The Daily Caller and together the two will bring meaty coverage of the exposed parts of male anchors of the new Fox News.

Contacted about this, Tucker Carlson said he has already entered an intensive rehab exercise program to pump his biceps so that he will be able flex Harvey Levin style Daily Caller TMZ news updates to the perky-eyed Greta Van Susteren’s Wire.

The New York Times and BuzzFeed did not contribute to this report.


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