BY IAN FINSETH
The following is an imaginary communiqué from a fictitious administrator of an invented university to its faculty. It is satire (one hopes).
Dear colleagues:
Here at the University of the Southern Upper Midwest, we know that our customers don’t pay tuition for such woo-woo things like expanding their intellectual horizons, developing a meaningful philosophy of life, or understanding the human condition more deeply. No—they pay tuition to get something in return: a job. It’s a transaction, and we’re happy to hold up our end of the bargain (as long as the checks clear).
Therefore, as USUM continues to align our institutional mission and curricular priorities with the workforce needs of this great state, we are proud to announce the following exciting new course offerings:
WKFC 1310: Introduction to Drudgery
The workforce isn’t all fun and games, unless you’re a rock star, TikTok influencer, or legislator from a nicely gerrymandered district. Accordingly, this class will focus on preparing students to endure the soul-killing routines of long-term employment in some faceless generic company doing God knows what. Class activities may include sitting for extended periods in a cubicle, data entry and spreadsheet management, or customer service for people who think they have a right to complain and get answers. Prerequisites: A pulse.
WKFC 2020: Workplace Conflict
It’s a jungle out there, and this class will train students in some of the essential strategies for getting ahead in the ruthless capitalist workplace, with a practical emphasis on how to derive profit from others’ misfortune. Learn the essentials of undermining fellow employees through hallway gossip, opportunistic backstabbing, plausible deniability, and Machiavellian maneuvering. Not recommended for sensitive souls. Prerequisites: WKFC 1310.
WKFC 2450: Auto Shop
Some students may not be suited to the fast-paced, high-pressure environment of a large or midsize firm, and would prefer the relatively slower pace of a mechanic’s garage. This hands-on class is for them! Learn the retro arts of how to change oil and brake fluid, balance and rotate tires, swap out a carburetor, and overcharge for unnecessary services. Supplemental workplace insurance recommended. Prerequisites: Ten fingers.
WKFC 2800: Food Service
A national economy runs on its stomach, like Napoleon’s army, and modern food service is now built around speed, cheap ingredients, cheap labor, and drive-through convenience. Among other skills, this course will introduce students to the proper use (and connotations) of such terms as “fast casual” and “fine dining,” the mechanics of burger and burrito assembly, the arcane calculus of seating customers in a busy restaurant, and the proper technique for heating prefab dishes in a microwave. Prerequisites: None. Really.
WKFC 3400: The Joy of Retail
Who doesn’t love a bright bundle of energy working the cash register? You can be one, too, but it takes training! Smiling at strangers all day long doesn’t come naturally to many people, nor does the ability to re-fold clothing that someone has tried on and shoved back into the wrong place. This class will teach these and other principles of successful retailing, including swiping credit cards, recognizing what cash is, and avoiding panic attacks in the holiday surge. Prerequisites: Teeth (straight, not stained).
WKFC 3600: Middle Management
The unsung heroes of American capitalism, middle managers are involved in almost every aspect of how companies operate, except for important decision-making and actual work. In this course, students will learn a variety of skills necessary to succeed as a middle manager: how to restock the office supply cabinet, how to call yet another meeting and grind through an agenda, how to supervise people who don’t need supervising, how to take credit while appearing to give it, how to be content with moving just one step up the ladder, and how to justify a middle manager’s salary. Prerequisites: WKFC 2020.
WKFC 3715: Widget Manufacturing
One of the basic components of an industrial economy, widgets are long overdue for a comeback in our service-oriented, postindustrial economy. This course will prepare students for the coming renaissance in American widget manufacturing, focused on proven strategies for avoiding environmental and labor regulations, navigating the global black market in rare minerals, and defeating neighborhood opposition to factory pollution. Underperforming students will be put to work on the line. Prerequisites: WKFC 3600.
WKFC 4717: Payday Lending
Untold riches await those who know how to sink their proboscis into the warm veins of the American debt economy. It’s amazing how much money can be made from people who don’t have very much! But remember not to call it parasitism—we prefer the term entrepreneurialism. For those students who have the right stuff, this course will provide training in the essential principles of payday lending: site identification in poor neighborhoods, calculation of usurious but legal interest rates, political lobbying, and the pursuit of litigation against impoverished debtors. Prerequisites: A flexible conscience.
WKFC 6500: Advanced Bureaucracy
In this graduate seminar, students will develop the skills necessary to thrive in large organizations: practical and theoretical instruction in operational impersonality, hierarchical thinking, forms and flow-charts, rhetorical obfuscation, managerial self-replication, and the proliferation of rules and procedures. Recommended for students seeking careers in university administration, local government, or large companies. Prerequisites: An incapacity for ennui.
Please Note:
To accommodate these new curricular priorities, USUM will be shrinking or eliminating programs in the following areas: foreign languages (just use Duolingo), literature (just join a book club), political science (that’s not a science!), mathematics (a bunch of human calculators); and fine arts (fine for elementary school, but come on).
Questions about this initiative may be directed to my office but will probably be ignored. Resolutions passed by the “faculty senate” will be passed around for laughs at my next holiday party. Positive feedback will be included in a portfolio of materials for my next application for another job at a better school.
Ian Finseth is professor of English at the University of North Texas, where his research and teaching focus on nineteenth-century American and African American literature.
