Although today is April Fool’s Day, these are not headlines from The Onion or another satiric site. They are, instead, simply very clever, unusual, or sometimes tortured headlines from actual news stories:

70,000+ Rolls of Toilet Paper Arrive for Detroit Firefighters

A Bush-League President [Headline of an Article Critical of President Obama]

A Mountain Lion in a Casino, Don’t Roulette Out

A Pot with Benefits

A Seersucker Is Born Every Minute

Aeschylated Dramatic Ironies

After “Psycho,” a Shower of Violence in Movies

Bacon Shortage Is Baloney but Prices to Rise

Bain of His Existence [On the Fallout from Mitt Romney’s Venture-Capital Firm]

Bark Park Sparks Talks [On a Proposed Park for Walking Dogs]

Beer and Loathing, “Most Interesting Man” Hosts Obama Fundraiser

Bee-ware of the Texas Beehive Bandit

Billboard, Frank Talk about Hot Dogs and Cancer

Byte-size, The Search Is Up for Online Recipes

Cain Thinks Newt’s Able

Christie Has Tightrope to Walk for 2016 Run [Quite the Mental Image There]

Civic Storm over “Tornado Tourism” in Joplin

Clinton’s Deregulation vs Obama’s Uberregulation [From a Right-Wing Blog; it makes one yearn to coin the word “uberexcessive.”]

Colorado Fire-Breather Faces Arson Charges

Dead Ringer–Dear Prudie, I Look Exactly like a Dead Man